


One Day

by Mariska



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Dirty Talk, M/M, Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 22:07:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8595670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mariska/pseuds/Mariska
Summary: Lister is fed up with all the bickering and suggests that Rimmer needs to relax. They find something to talk about that will relax them both...





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first post and it turned out a bit smutty...oops
> 
> Set sometime in Series 1
> 
> Thanks to GrantNaylor for Red Dwarf and its posse

"Please Rimmer!"

"No Lister, how many times do I have to say no?"

"But you haven't even tried man. Please?" Lister hated pleading but he was getting desperate.

"I wouldn't be any good at it," Rimmer turned over in his bunk, sounding like he was tempted to hold up a black card.

"How d'you know you wouldn't be any good if you won't try? You never know, you might have a hidden talent."

"Lister, this isn't like learning to play the piano!"

"It's dark, we're alone, no one would know," pleaded Lister, trying to think of an argument that would work against the reluctant hologram.

"I'd know!"

"But Rimmer, I'm so smegging horny! Please talk dirty to me!"

*****  
This had been going on for the last ten minutes, ever since they'd gone to bed. They'd been bickering all day as usual, all week in fact, the exchanges getting more and more heated. Finally, as they entered their quarters Lister had said that maybe if Rimmer took care of himself more, he wouldn't be so uptight. Rimmer, misunderstanding what Lister meant, retorted that his hologrammatic body was in perfect shape and demonstrated by getting Holly to remove his uniform so that Lister could see for himself.

Lister, trying not to stare at the half naked body in front of him, had started to explain that he'd meant Rimmer should do the 'five knuckle shuffle'. He got a blank look back. He'd then tried calling it 'wrestling the eel', 'playing a flute solo' and 'spanking the monkey'. Frustrated and running out of euphemisms, he'd finally shouted "You need to have a wank!"

Unfortunately by the time they got to this point it was painfully obvious that Lister himself was the one who needed to choke the chicken. Dragging his gaze up from Rimmer's taut torso, he saw that the hologram had gone red and was staring at the sizeable tent in Lister's trousers. Embarrassed, Lister had turned his back to shed most of his clothes, switched off the lights and got into bed as quickly as possible. He heard the other man get into bed too and he couldn't help thinking that Rimmer hadn't asked for pyjamas, which meant he was still in those tight, white underpants that clung to his perfect arse.

Lister soon realised his erection was going nowhere.

Emboldened by the darkness and knowing that Rimmer would be able to hear him if he did jerk the gherkin, he tentatively suggested that they could do it at the same time. That got a snorted "No way mister" from the lower bunk. His idea that they look at his stash of porn mags didn't even get a reply. Just when he thought he was going to have to leave the room to flog the bishop somewhere private, he decided to try one last tactic: he suggested dirty talk. Finally at this he could swear he heard a sharp intake of breath and that the "No!" had a slight wobble to it.

That's when he'd started pleading.

*****  
"I'm not joining in with your sordid sexual exploits. It's gay," Rimmer said, sounding more and more like he was trying to convince himself.

"It is not gay, it's just two friends," Lister stumbled on the last word but recovered quickly, "helping each other out. Anyway, no one cares about that labelling stuff any more. Only repressed homophobes, who are probably just sexually confused..."

He tailed off, remembering he was talking to a repressed homophobe who was almost certainly sexually confused. He thought of something that might work.

"Look, why don't you tell me all the stuff you would do to Yvonne McGruder if she was here? You must have imagined that before? Just picture her and tell me what you'd do."

"I'd feel silly saying it out loud."

Lister felt excitement in the pit of his stomach - that last reply hadn't been a no, it had sounded like Rimmer was considering this. Lister's cock pulsed at the thought and he fought the urge to grasp it. He knew once he started he wouldn't last long.

"Tell you what man, I'll start. First thing I'd do is kiss them, nice and slow. I'd use my tongue to gently open their lips, move in closer and put my arms round the back of their neck. Then I'd slide my fingers into their hair and ..." Lister stopped, afraid that a moan would escape his lips as he imagined the scene.

"Are you picturing Kochanski?"

"Um, yeah, of course," Lister lied, knowing if he told the truth about who he was thinking about, the conversation would end there and then. "Go on, your turn. What would you do to McGruder while you were kissing her?"

"Oh alright then," Rimmer sounded more eager than he had before, so much so that Lister wondered if it wasn't just him being turned on by all this. "Err, so I've got my fingers in her hair, yes? I suppose I'd keep kissing her."

"More details!" Lister was beginning to squirm with the effort of not touching himself.

"Well, umm, I would probably stick my tongue down her throat! I mean, I'd kiss her more deeply and....and...caress her neck and....then move my hands down to her arse."

"Oh yeah, what does it feel like?" Lister imagined strong hands cupping his arse and he couldn't help it, he pushed his boxers down to free his straining erection.

"It feels all...warm and plump and I pull it in closer and sink my fingers into the soft flesh..."

Lister started slightly; from what he remembered of McGruder she was skinny with a flat butt so he wasn't sure why Rimmer was describing it as soft and plump. Maybe he's finally letting his imagination run riot, thought Lister, he certainly seems to be getting into it.

"Are you hard?" he couldn't help asking the hologram, not sure if he meant in the imaginary kissing scene or right now.

"Oh yes..." Rimmer said dreamily, also not being specific. There was something in the tone of his voice that sent a blaze of heat through Lister. He grabbed his cock and thrust into his own hand, trying not to go too fast but rapidly losing control.

"What do you do next?" he gasped.

"I lick her neck and it tastes...of cigarettes and umm, deliciousness. But I want more...more. Her body moves down mine and she starts to undo my uniform....She gets out my...my cock...and, oh smeg..."

Lister couldn't tell if Rimmer was pausing because he was still embarrassed or because he was beating off while he was talking. Either way the pauses only served to increase Lister's anticipation. His own hand was moving faster, sliding over the head of his cock as he brushed his nipples with his other hand. His skin felt like it was on fire and he moaned out loud picturing the usually immaculate Rimmer with his uniform in disarray and his hard cock in full view. He knew that Rimmer would be able to hear him but he didn't care. In fact he could hear that the breathing from the bottom bed had gotten heavier and wished he could look down to see if his bunkmate was pleasuring himself.

"What next man?" he managed to say in between moans, forcing himself to slow down. He knew he was close to coming but he didn't want to until Rimmer did - either in the fantasy or in reality, preferably both.

"My cock...she's sucking my cock..oh it feels so good," Rimmer punctuated his sentence with a number of groans, the sounds making Lister's balls tighten, and it was obvious now that the hologram was also jacking off as if his life depended on it.

"Arn...." Lister wasn't even aware the name had passed his lips as he felt his muscles starting to tremble, there was no way he was going to be able to hold off for much longer. His balls ached for release, his cock hard as a ramrod beneath his hand, dripping pre-cum like a leaking tap. He gritted his teeth, willing himself to wait until the climax of the story. Rimmer didn't disappoint.

"Oh the sucking...and a hand squeezing my balls...it's too much, I'm gonna come...I'm gonna come in your mouth..."

At those words Lister felt himself falling off the edge, shaking from chest to toes, white hot heat pouring from his desperate organ and incoherent sounds spilling from his mouth. Through the haze of his own climax, he could hear similar sounds from the bunk below, which sent a second wave of shudders through his body. He collapsed back onto the mattress, his mind blanked of everything except the fact that Arnold J. Rimmer had indirectly just given him the best orgasm of his life.

Neither of them noticed that Rimmer had changed pronouns at the end.

After a while Lister cleaned himself up a bit and settled down under the covers. He heard Rimmer ask Holly for clean pyjamas and idly wondered what happened to hologrammatic semen once it was ejaculated. He felt relaxed and happy for the first time in weeks, so he took a risk and gave Rimmer a compliment.

"See, I told you you might have a hidden talent! That was smeggin' amazing."

"I don't want to discuss it! Just go to sleep Dave," came the muffled reply from the bunk below.

Lister smiled to himself in the dark, noting the unusually friendly epithet. They never did talk about it, but every now and again, when the insults started getting out of hand, one of them would suggest an early night and they'd hurry to their bunks, turn the lights off and privacy mode on. The dirty talk got more and more elaborate, Rimmer mastering it faster than he'd ever learned Esperanto, and it always ended in a more than satisfactory conclusion for both of them. Without acknowledging it, Rimmer stopped pretending it was McGruder he was picturing and Lister often dreamed that one day they'd do all the stuff they described to each other for real. One day...

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like my first ever post! Sorrynotsorry for all the masturbation euphemisms, once I started I couldn't stop :)


End file.
